The ramblings of insanity

  What a way to get it on.

 Poor, poor Tim Horton's; ruining their own image through bureaucracy and idiocy.

This is part of the reasaon why I'm glad I live in Canada.

 I found this on Yahoo Canada's Weird News page.
I still can't believe someone would actually invent this thing, although it's not surprising that it's a couple of guys.

Sorry, you are out of ammo ...

Mon May 19, 11:38 AM

BRUSSELS (Reuters) - Two Belgian beer fans have launched a video game named 'Place to Pee', which allows players to slalom down ski slopes or kill aliens while relieving themselves at urinals.

Werner Dupont, a software developer, and Bart Geraets, an electrical engineer, got the idea while drinking Belgian trappist beers, they told Reuters Television at a local festival on Sunday.

"This thing had to be invented by Belgian people and that's what we are," they said.

The 'Place to Pee' booth is designed for two users at a time and offers two games -- blowing up aliens in outer space or skiing down a virtual slope. Gamers hit their target by aiming at sensors positioned on either side of the urinal.

A specially designed paper cone allows women to play too, the inventors say.

Their 'Place to Pee' logo resembles 'Manneken Pis', the little urinating boy fountain that is among Brussels' top sightseeing attractions.

(Reporting by Marine Hass and Yvonne Bell; Writing by Julien Ponthus)

At least it is a little bit of a distraction.

 Aaah can't wait, it's almost here. Time for relaxation and rest, although I think I've started a little earlier than I should have. Oooh well, no big deal, I know the information through and through and my grades are padded enough to withstand bombing all my tests. It's rather reassuring to know that I don't need to worry about these finals, plus it doesn't hurt that they are only worth 20-30% of the final mark. Aah well soon enough time for relaxation. Friday all night party, then no work or anything until Wednesday, work until Monday, then classes start again. Although tis time it's only twice a week, one three hour class, and it's sign language...a fun class. Can't wait...almost here...

 Well I was originally going to actually post an entry but LJ lost it so whatever. Not much point in redoing it.

 Aaah the wonderful holidays; the family, the food, the booze, the gifts, the shopping, the lack of sleep, the work, the lack of sleep.... A little bit of a theme there I know, but unfortunately it is what I usually focus on during this time of year, mostly because I don't get any of it. At least this year we won't be going to see my mother's family, that usually means that the only sleep that I get is in the car on the way there although, it is at least a six hour drive so it's not a bad nap....
Yeah I don't know how other people can do it, but personally eight hours of sleep over two days of working, drinking, dancing, and socializing. Personally I stopped making sense by the first hour of work and was running on god knows what for the rest of the time. I've practically spent the rest of the time trying to catch up on sleep that I lost during this "vacation". Too bad because I could use the reserves for the upcoming semester... I think I will have to pretty much disappear from everything in general. Which kind of blows but cannot be helped. We shall see...
Anyways, not too sure of the original purpose of me logging on to here, but I'm sure it will come back if it was important at all.... I really think it was to bitch about the holidays really, which I really shouldn't do because it is nice to see these people at least once a year, just wish there were more hours in the day or that I could work better on less sleep.
Still seeking (for what I was trying to write about)...

Finally the semester is over, it felt both long and short. Everyonce and awhile I catch myself thinking that it is still September. Odd how that happens, time just seems to slip by faster every day. I think I'd rather it slip by then drag along, especially when I look back and say "look what I did", rather than "I sat on the couch". Quite happy to say that I did quite well, considering the work that I did.... But this is me we are talking about.... And I know I could've done better, we shall see if I can muster up the drive to do more next semester. Not much else that I feel like writing about mostly because I have to 'rise and shine' tomorrow morning, early enough. Meh maybe another I will feel more creative or at least will have less of a headache.
Still seeking...

The storm is now calming and returning to itself. I hope this not a facade but only time will tell. I'd like to think that I  am actually having an impact and at least providing a friendly ear and funny distraction at times. I hope...

A storm has hit and it is only the beginning...I can see the uprooted trees flying in the distance, crashing down on the houses and destroying everything in their path. The wind is soo strong that you can see it move, hear it howling in the distance like a wolf to the moon. The rain falls like daggers cutting into the skin of the desperate leaving them immobilized and wounded. Having to force myself to stand up to the storm and try to calm it's terible wrath before it hits my home, I stand out in the open shuddering. Not out of fear, out of anger and frustration, it won't listen to me, I don't know how to talk to it, how to calm it. Neither does anyone else and they don't seem to be wiling to give it a try...too scared, too confused. I offer guidance to the storm, all it has to do is take it, I can kind it to a new home, a new purpose; saving it and my home from total devastation. The only problem is that it can't se that, it is too blind with rage and desperation to see it. Tell me how to help someone when they don't want it, how to save them from themselves when they hinder your own efforts? I can't standby and watch on this one, too important...but I am ignored and turned away...what do I do?

Alll the world's a stage and we are nothing more than players or spectators keeping the show alive. Some are more than others. Putting on a mask and walking forward, delivering your lines, the smile, the bow, the kiss; all to make the spectators wish they could switch places with you. Sometimes I wonder if that is all there is to it. Nothing more than a play put on to make others envious of you, make you feel important. All the while wishing that it were more than just a show. It's been soooo many years that I almost forgot why...why I originally put the mask on. It's been so long that I can hardly tell where the mask ends and my face begins. Wondering if it has fused permanently to my face. Still screaming and crying, fighting me every step I take, questioning whether or not it's worth it...is it pointless? Feels like nothing more than a rat race the majority of the time. I can wake up in the morning, get dressed and head off to do my daily business...meaningless. I can find joy in the times that I've had, connections that I've made that will hopefully linger for the rest of my natural life...but still.... I wonder if that is all there is to it. Nothing more than waking up and moving forward, interact with people who will ultimately leave...it's only a question of when. I want to sit on top of my hill again and watch the others go about their business, watch them run around on the wheel. They seem so happy but I wonder if they are as devoid of purpose  as I. It is strange, there are not many people that I've encountered that float through life the way I do. Two others do for their own reasons...very similar to me, so much so that I think it is what connects the most...that and an instinctual protectiveness and need to be intimately connected to someone. Too bad they are so far away. I miss staying up until the sun broke the horizon and just sit there, watching it rise over the mountains, changing the colour of the sky to all colours of nature. Sitting there watching time pass us by...isn't that what most people do? Only they are doing something, meaningless but something. Nobody likes it when you sit in the corner and just watch, you're a bum then...a good for nothing. It's weird why others are so adamant that you have to keep plugging away at something, doesn't really matter what...so long as people think you are doing something it's all good. Nothing that any of us will do in our lifetimes would actually mean anything in the long run...we will all pretty much disappear with nothing left behind except for a corpse and perhaps a lineage. Even then they eventually forget you, usually within a generation or two. I guess that's why people busy themselves with nothing...to forget. Forget that they are doing nothing but walking in circles waiting to die. Some embrace much too early, taking matters into their own hands rather than wait patiently for it to extend a withered and worn hand to them. Not something that I think I could ever do, as much as I may welcome the thought of nothingness and as a youngster obsessed over it...wishing for nothing more than for it to come sooner rather than later. But now I wish to at least to see this home that we have, be able to appreciate it for all that it has done for us, but focusing only on that makes for a long journey. But I almost wonder if it's too late to do anything more than wander around alone. I crave connections, I desire the feeling of a human touch, the warmth of an embrace. The only thing I wonder is can I really let myself become attached. I know what love is, I know because I have felt it...but there is always a weird detachment, a barrier. Almost like I can invest all of myself into one person or any person for that matter. I want to so bad, someone to admire the skies with me, watch the people passing by in their hamster wheels...but how long can someone else really do that for? I lost my other companions, my love and my friend, too the distance that separates us. As strong as the connections may be...they seem to be slowly fading and I can already feel the end coming. Slow, painful and barely noticeable until it's too late. That time is slowly coming...I just wonder if they realize it or not. But like everyone says you can't focus on the past, especially not when the present holds so many opportunities...well in my case a few possibilities. So I guess I'll wake up tomorrow, put my clothes on and go about the daily grind. Waiting for the time to come when I can happily distract myself from my own depressive mentality. Strange that I am such a downtrodden person when everyone tells me I am content. Then again I am content with who I am, confident, some would even go so far as to say happy. But I honestly don't know about that one. I remember the feeling of being excited, of being happy, of being ecstatic...but each year they seem to be further and further away. Concepts that I know how to express, but feel? Now that is probably the problem. It has become so subdued that I wonder if I'll ever be more than just content. I guess I just have to be happy with that. But still...I wish I could actually feel as happy as my mask looks, it looks like it would be very nice. Now the only problem is can other people understand and handle the fact that I will never feel as intensely as they will. Can they understand the more intense it is(except for unfortunately anger) the faster I shut down? Can they accept something lukewarm when they are boiling? Then again the peace that follows is something that can almost make up for the lack of intensity...I guess. I guess that is what happiness is.... Something that I haven't confided in anyone, the uncertainty of how certain extremes should feel...I've been sitting in the dark corner for so long that I don't know if the sun is supposed to burn or not. Meh, I think I will be able to figure this out and remember. My corner is comforting, I know it well...this is new and scary...but I think it's high time that I hold my head high and walk into the light. Just don't expect me to get a lounge chair and tan for hours on end just yet. I will get there...doesn't mean that I still don't crave to become a ghost again. I may not have been happy. but I new what to expect and what to do. I wonder if this is discouraging or not. I guess I shall see later on...don't worry I just needed to vent this out...I'll be back to myself in no time.
This will pass and I will forget all about it until the cycle starts back again. That's the other question, I am so used to hiding it that I don't even notice it until the cycle starts or is it purely brought on by the cycle? I've got so used to these feelings floating in my head that I guess I don't notice them until I'm emotionally vulnerable...not much better, but at least no one notices and I can be left with my own personal prison within my mind. Anyways I don't think anyone really wants in here, it's too much of a mess anyways.
I think I'll stop the hormone laden shpeel for tonight. I think people are tired of me bringing them down...like I keep repeating this will pass and fade in memory.
Worthless...

Hoping…feeling…

I will come back to you

And hold you in my arms

And I…

I know you’re wrong but

I can’t change a single thing

It’s like it’s meant to be!

Inside I feared to find it…

That you cannot stand the fact

I’m not in love with you.

And I…

I’ve got the feeling

That I’ve really had enough

It had to end right here!

Now there is nothing left to lose

Despite the time we’ve spent…

Nothing left for you.

And I…

Still had the feeling

I won’t find in you what I still sought

So what am I to do?

And I…

Know you’re wrong but

I can’t change a single thing

It’s like it’s meant to be!

And I…

I've got the feeling

That I’ve really had enough

It had to end right here!

And I…

Still had the feeling

I won’t find in you what I still sought

So what am I to do?

Wolfsheim – And I…

For some reason this song was really impacting my mood... and for some odd reason I find to be utterly beautiful.
Now the question becomes whether or not I heed the call of the darkness and curl up in it's arms. Disappear and allow the world to pass me by for awhile or not. Why? I don't know, all I know is I feel it's pull. Sometimes I wonder if people really notice when I disappear...maybe...I doubt it. This too shall pass.
Staring at nothing...

Aaah the wonderful cycle mother has blessed all of the female gender of our species! No really, for fuck's sake, gotta push the kid out and go through a monthly cycle that brings nothing but pain, discomfort, mood swings, depression, and general bitchy-ness. As many would now guess I am in the beginning and most volatile phases of the cycle and like usual it is causing it's own set of internal problems. Granted they will be gone in a few days, but it doesn't make them less potent. Plus it doesn't help that I get a mild bout of insomnia as well, just compounding the irritibility and almost bipolar mood swings. Quite annoying, mostly because I know I normally don't do this but it always feels like it will never end. Hhhmmm, there must be a solution to this somewhere out there, floating around in someone's head. Personally I think the solution is simple, let the guy's have the periods and the girls can give birth, seems fair enough in my mind. Especially since they have a few thousands years of pain to catch up on. Grrrr....yes I do get easily annoyed and rant a little easier in this state. Definitely annoyed...very annoyed...grrr. I guess all I have to remember is to breath in and out and not strangle the shit out of the first stupid person I run into...I mean smile and say hello in a "happy" voice...creepy happy voice. One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand...
Still seeking...

Aah another night to go forth and explore...or at least venture out of my hole and socialize. Meh, my choice really. It's is strange though, I am quite happy an content with myself while many of those around me have an air of alertness, shall a say akin to when you swear you hear the ticking of a bomb, about them. Not necessarily an impending doom, not yet at least. I shall see where this goes, although it does not dampen my own mood. It may be cold hearted but it doesn't personally involve me(as far as I know), and there really isn't much I can do about the situation, mostly because I don't think I see the whole picture...so I think it's best I keep my nose out of it. Hopefully I can uplift the mood a bit throughout the night...hhmmm I shall see. Anyways...just rambling as always.
Still seeking...

I was just wondering how much longer will I bite my tongue when it comes to the questions.....I should just learn to speak up and answer them directly, I just can't seem to force myself to. Again random musings that really have no bearing on anything, I know eventually I'll actually find my voice...just maybe not right now.
Still seeking...

Again...I find myself annoyed by small insecurities peaking at me through the crack in the box I stuffed them in. Hhhmmm maybe I should find some tape...I well they will eventually leak out. I just hope I can push past them easily enough.
Anyways, just rambling. Don't mind me...
Still seeking...

No matter how hard everyone seems to try, drama always tends to follow groups of people. Most of the time it is unwarranted and petty, but in certain cases(as is the current case) is valid and dealt with on a personal and one on one level, rather than involving the whole group. The only reason that I am aware of any of it(and care for that matter) is the people that are involved and my personal involvement with them. But realistically it will still involve intense emotions and affect the majority of the immediate group...drama in a sense, but not in another. Ahh well, that is just my lack of vocabulary asserting itself again. But I am digressing and should return to the issue at hand. A situation that has slowly been asserting itself has come to fruition. It has festered and boiled over, hopefully with not too much of an explosive effect. It is sad but for the best in the end, at least for one party involved. The emotions involved within a situation have just boiled over and cannot be contained, but in the end it will be for the best...very painful but the end result will make them happier in the end. It is disheartening though when you strive for the dream and find only a mirage...it seems so easy to stay there admiring the shimmering scene...the only problem is, whenever you reach for it it disappears and stands just outside your reach. Personally I don't let myself walk into situation like these very often, I cannot claim that I've never done it, but I seem to have the knack for getting out of it when the time is appropriate and the damage is minimal. And, oooh m'dear, your scars are deep...I can still see the scabs. Adding fresh ones must've been torturous, but you learned one thing. To realize that you do have to put yourself first. I know that you will heal, you are strong enough.
I just wonder how the other party will take things. I know they will be hurt, because these things always do to gentle souls. I also know that they will be like the oceans, calm and still on the surface, while the current wreaks havoc in the deep. My only wonder is how strong the currents will be. I have a feeling they have been suspecting something like this to happen eventually, I just don't think it was expected so soon. But in these situations, sooner is better than later, because it just hurts more and causes more anger later on...and unfortunately doing the ostrich doesn't work, although this is usually the situation where people wished it would. I just hope the they will be alright...well I know they will, it's just a question of how long it will take them to get there. I am a big  fan of letting time heal many wounds, yes you do have to deal with certain things head on, but once they are done and dealt with the emotions still linger. Those just need time to dissipate, some never will but can be managed after dealing with them. That, at least, is the way I deal with these situations, but then again I am not directly involved. And I won't be suffering any of the direct consequences. I know things will be a little weird for awhile, it's more of a matter of how weird and in what way. I guess I will just have to wait and see. That's about the only thing I am unsure of when it comes to my own role within all this. Plus I tend to define my role by how the other is reacting to a situation...I don't know how they will react, thus not helping my own insecurities about this.
I guess that is the selfish part coming out in this. I should really be focused on one of the parties within all this, my rose, my unicorn. The other, the companion, wants to separate things and not "interfere", as they put it. I offered my support and friendship, but I can understand their need to seek comfort outside of the circle, being able to separate themselves from everything for awhile at least. But I can't help wondering, if the current is too strong it will spill over...how much will spill over...and what will be the reaction. I've some to become withdrawn, angry, depressed, and even become immersed in self-pity. I seriously doubt the last will happen and I have a strong feeling the rose just might close up for awhile...I just wonder if it realizes that I am there to give it support. All it need do is ask, feel the nuzzle of the unicorns nose on my arm, let it lay it's head in my lap, brushing it's mane while it sleeps. I wonder if it will seek me out or not...which feeds into wondering whether or not I am considered close enough to the clearing to offer comfort. Am I considered close enough, trustworthy enough, important enough...I mostly only wondering this because I am still taking my own baby steps towards the meadow. The rose's perfume leading the way, the feel of the unicorn coat, just within reach. But it is this small distance that can make all the difference and unfortunately this early on, still so close to the beginning, it is easy to turn back around. Although every time I look towards the dream, I take a step forward. Will I be completely shut out for awhile, I wonder. But I think I should try to continue taking my small steps forward, for the unicorn seems real and the rose, aaah the rose smells so strongly I cannot imagine it to be false. The dream so palpable that it sends shivers of fear throughout my body, almost freezing me on the spot...almost. The best thing that I can do, is offer comfort and companionship and wait and see if my rose, my unicorn accepts it. For once the offer is made it will be their choice to accept it or not, I can't force it upon them. As much as I almost may want to, that's just counter productive. I just don't want the dream to disappear on me, it just looks so promising...so many possibilities...so many. 
I guess I should stop agonizing over this because I'll just end up giving myself an ulcer or something in the end...I vented, the matter is now done and dealt with until the next development. Since there's nothing I can really do, I shouldn't let it affect me too much. Aaah well.
Maybe a bit of TV watching is in order and then an early bed time, my joints are starting to tell me something about this lack of sleep I've been experiencing lately.
Still seeking...

P.S. For anyone wondering, yes the unicorn and the rose refer to the same person.

I find myself wishing to write about something...but I'm unsure of what. One of those feelings where I know I want to organize something, but am unsure of what. Oooh well, I guess I'll just ramble on until I eventually hit upon the subject, if I ever make it there. Thus far things are running smoothly in pretty much every aspect of my life. Nothing much changing from day to day but, that's pretty much expected. Although I am wondering whether or not a situation will realize itself or not, I personally hope that it nips itself in the bud and resolves itself. Unfortunately it is one of those situations where a party has o resolve certain issues, although I've been known to be completely wrong. It is kind of sad, because from my vantage point history seems to be repeating itself, in a sense. Certain things are fundamentally different but certain aspects are definitely similar. The one thing I wonder is whether or not this is realized or if the parallels are completed missed. I know I've done that myself, completely ignoring or not seeing signs that I am repeating my own worst history, but then again it is very hard to see the signs when you are so involved in the entire scenario. I just feel kind of bad because, although I am not responsible, I am constantly bringing up bad memories. Aah well, we shall see how this plays itself out.
Still seeking...

Today was an odd day in the end and it has led me again to a tangent that I like to go on every once and awhile. A girl that I work with wasn't feeling to well today. At one point she starts looking pale and having issues standing straight. I take over her job and tell to sit down, turn around for a minute, look back at her and she was on the floor. So apparently she really wasn't feeling well...do the normal thing, call the boss over and get her some juice, gave her some food, sat her on the bench and the boss watched her eat it. The only reason this makes me angry to a certain extent is because I damn sure she has bulimia. I've heard her throwing up in the washroom and then march right back down to work, and no way that twig is pregnant. Her biceps are the size of my wrists, her thighs are even smaller than my calves...it's retarded! People who have hugged this girl have told they can feel every single rib and vertebrae. I honestly don't understand going to that extreme. I don't worry about the numbers that I see on the scale, then again I only get weighed when I go to the doctor's. I don't like the way I look, but I can easily fit into any 5-6 pants/skirt/whatever I've run into and weigh 130 lbs. If you want to be skinny, learn how certain foods react in your body and eat accordingly!!! It's not like you've been eating all your life or anything, you know that cake goes to your ass or thighs...then DON'T FUCKING eat cake every day!!!!!!!!!! For Christ's sake, the only thing you teach your body when you don't eat or puke all the food up is how to store fat. The longer you do it the harder it'll be for you to have a healthy BMI, because your body'll think that you'll go into an extensive starvation period. And seriously if you are that dead set against consuming any food, then at least DON'T BINGE THEN PUKE IT UP!!!! Do you know the damage you are doing to your teeth, tongue, throat, esophagus, stomach lining, and whatever the acids will come into regular contact with. No seriously you do realize that the only reason we don't die from our stomach acids is because of the lining throughout that system. If it can easily dissolves concrete and easily dissolve organic matter, then yeah your insides...not a chance if there's a leak in there. Oooh yeah and guess what?!? Your heart, don't bet on that surviving for long; because you know what...it's a muscle, and they need food to actually work, funny how that goes. I really just don't understand why these people can't show a little patience and maybe walk to the next bus stop over and actually take the 2 seconds it takes to wash a piece of fruit, I really don't understand...and I think I never will. Which is odd, because I do have a body issues and I know I could've easily gone down that path, but there's a threshold that my mind just can't cross when it comes to that. It just tires me because if her parents don't catch on quick(and I'm not allowed to tell anyone at work because that is considered confidential information, so my hands are tied) she'll wind up in the hospital very soon. Hopefully her system isn't too damaged, but from the looks of it, she might already be losing some of her hair. Which is a sign that the body is under an extreme amount of stress. I guess, unfortunately, all I can do is watch her die, hopefully something will come about soon. I wish I could help her...but I don't really know her and she doesn't want to know me so I guess...yeah ...my only option is to sit back and watch...seems like that's all I'm good for sometimes.
Still seeking...

It seems things are progressing smoother than I previously thought they would...on my end at least. I expected some hint of jealousy but then again I've never felt it yet...I suspect it is just a matter of time before I eventually feel it. Maybe not in this scenario...thus far I see no reason to be. I also don't understand why others seem to have some many problems with the scenario, the only other that I've explained this to has only offered confusion in response. It doesn't seem all that complicated...I think it's people's strange need to see sex as something emotional. It can be enhanced or diminished by emotions yes, but don't mistake a physical reaction as anything more than it is. It only represents an emotional bond, or whatever one might refer to it as, if you have deemed to be as such. I really don't understand how people can survive thinking in that fashion. Aaah well, I guess they really don't understand how to separate fun and serious relationships. Now I have gone on a complete and random tangent all of a sudden, I just remember their face when I explained to them the scenario I was involved in...soooooo much confusion it wasn't even funny. I guess that's what brought up the tangent in the end. Anyhow things seem to be progressing nicely and comfortably. The only nervousness let was assuaded tonight and I feel much more at ease with everything in general. I feel even more satisfied with my decision and cannot seem to stop the feelings of well being sweeping over me constantly...I almost forgot what it felt like...being happy with one's situation, relearning to be happy with the self, and feeling more confident as I step one foot down my chosen path. A few more steps further and I might actually be able to walk upright, feeling ever more confident in the path and believing in the place it leads me to. It is still a blurred vision...I am in no rush to get to the end, most of the fun is in the journey...and oftentimes you land flat on your face when you rush to the vision at the end of the path. I want to say I refuse to walk into any more mirages...but considering how things generally go in life and my luck in general...let's just say almost waiting for the day something does go wrong and will be stunned if it never does. I've never actually felt the unicorn's pelt under my fingers, not like this...then again each unicorn is different. Alas I am getting tired and making less and less sense as my mind wanders to another subject...one that I am too tired to tackle at the moment.
Still seeking...